Read Poetry from The Funny Thing
Being Funny is Tracy’s Thing
Tracy Davidson’s passion for writing amusing poems has paid off in a big way.
For Tracy has been chosen as winner of a national competition for a funny poem she wrote about fairytale characters.
Tracy, from Armscote, Stratford-on-Avon in Warwickshire submitted the poem for “The Funny Thing” a competition run by publishers United Press.
“We had over a thousand entries for this free to enter competition and Tracy’s poem was the outstanding winner,” said one of the judges, Peter Quinn of United Press. “As her prize, Tracy wins £100 and publication of her poem in a forthcoming book which is out in August. She also gets a free copy of the book.”
“I’ve always loved English. It was my favourite subject at school,” explained Tracy (39). “I started writing funny poems for friends and it just escalated from there.”
Only recently Tracy had one of her poems published in Prima magazine which, coincidentally, this month features an article inviting people to enter the National Poetry Anthology which is the biggest annual free to enter poetry competition in the UK, and is also run by United Press.
“I was inspired to write my winning poem by watching the film Shrek,” explained Tracy. “I had a crazy notion that Cinderella might go on a dating site and end up with an ogre.”
HAPPY EVER AFTER
If Cinderella were to meet a fella
On an internet dating site,
Who’d you suppose would suit this young rose
If Charming were matched with Snow White?
She’d cry, Bloomin’ heck, if paired up with Shrek.
An ogre’s not my cup of tea.
They offered her Donkey. Oh dear, I feel wonky.
Surely there’s a prince left for me.
‘Twas a long time since they’d had a spare prince,
For princes were much in demand.
What about an elf? They’re good for your health,
And would love to ask for your hand.
Or if we’re snappy, you can have Happy,
Or Grumpy, or Dopey, or Doc.
Poor Cinders just sighed before she replied,
Oh, none of these make my boat rock.
Cinders departed, somewhat broken-hearted,
And bumped into Buttons outside.
She hid her wet face in his tight embrace,
And the very next month was his bride.
Tracy Davidson
Below you can read excerpts of other work from poets published in The Funny Thing.
GROWING OLD GRACIE’S WAY
There once was a woman called Gracie May
Who was addicted to plastic surgery
With a face like a startled lizzard
And the dress sense of Eddie Izzard
At forty she looked a young seventy
Nicole Miller
RAF HOLMPTON
We’re off to RAF Holmpton, to contact the dead,
Given a brief history, of all that was said,
Going through each room, to get a feel,
Hearing the odd noise, this is the real deal.
Remaining silent, listening out,
All of a sudden, a loud bang, a scream and a shout,
Someone was doing the pendulum, they asked the entity to show themself,
Suddenly the door swung open, scaring them to death.
My sister was stood there, as they ran out the door,
Blood drained from their faces, as they swore.
Door stood off its hinges, as they stood in the hall,
Didn’t know what happened, I thought someone had a bad fall.
Michèle Wood
IN PRAISE OF BEDSOCKS
Some girls you can woo
With a flower or two
Or an expensive and large fragrant bunch
Some you may please
With a hug and a squeeze
And others a fish & chips lunch
Not many complain as they’re plied with champagne
And to Frankie will swoon
As they fly to the moon
So though you’re Savile Row neat
Or Armani replete
Just don’t you be fooled
For these girls are well schooled
And when all’s done and said
The one that she’ll bed
Is the one with the lovely warm feet
Colin Butterwick
THE DEADLINE
Writing this essay’s driving me insane.
Going round in my head,
Academia befuddles my brain
When I just want my bed.
Metamorphosised, bespectacled eyes.
Open wide. Metaphor, night owl.
Need caffeine inside,
Red Bull two,
Read bull too?
(Stay awake, four eyes).
Seeing double,
Brain in trouble.
Meltdown in process.
Can’t make progress.
Yawn. Goodness sake.
Deadline. Stay awake!
Debbie Knight
Dedicated to Emma and Sarah.
Debbie Knight said: “Writing verse during the last two years became a pleasant indulgence in between composing essays for my English degree. Being a full-time, mature student, with a part-time job and home life meant that my time was limited. I would stay up all night completing assignments in peace and quiet. This poem was penned whilst doing an all nighter, as I call them. I switched writing this poem, hoping that the change of focus would kick-start my brain. Currently I am writing a contemporary version of Educating Rita. Watch this space.”
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THE NUTTY FRUITCAKE
Little chocolate brown flowers.
Full rich cream.
A sun yellow topping.
Strawberry jam centre.
Round like the moon.
Perfect piped icing.
Saying where’s the nuts?
I said there is none.
Am I so proud to be a voice hearer!
Rachel Van Den Bergen
Born in Manchester, Rachel Van Den Bergen has interests including collecting clowns, snow globes, glass animals and Betty Boop memorabilia. “I started writing in the early 90’s during a period of unemployment,” she explained. “I would describe my style as unique and I would like to be remembered for my thought-provoking, exciting and therapeutic work.” Aged 38, Rachel has an ambition to own a huge property for all her collections.
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MR SIDEBOTTOM
Mr Sidebottom decided to change his name
Changed pronunciation but spelling still the same
So whenever he entered a room
He was introduced as Mr Siddee-bot-oom
This was met with sniggers, mirth and amusement
He just treated with disdain and bemusement
Obviously giggles were so childish and immature
But people laughed, of that you can be sure
He carried an air of such confidence and pride
Completely oblivious of the sarcastic and snide
He rose to the top of his chosen profession
Despite of the laughs he always took full possession
When your name caused such merriment, such laughter
You certainly get remembered forever after
Diana Hunt
DOVES ON FILM
That is to say
Seeing a dove would make my day
If you saw my doctor you would know why
A dove would prefer him to fly
I saw a beetle sitting on a till
Glad when it flew off made me quite ill
The girl was fine the girl was nice
But oh her hair was covered in lice
So washing her hair in a shampoo of beer
Now they sway in her parting and grin and lear
When I see a dove sitting in a tree
I feel like asking him home to tea
A cup of tea I shall make
To offer with a slice of cake
Hazel Barrett
OUR DAY TRIP THAT NEVER WAS
It was nine o’clock in the morning
When we left home for the seaside.
The sun was shining brightly
And the day was in our favour.
We had not gone far when we heard a bang.
Our tyre burst with fury.
We pushed the car to a nearby garage
And had a two hour wait.
We arrived at the seaside two hours later
And could not find a parking space.
One hour later we found a space
And had our picnic in the car.
The rains came with thunder and lightning.
Father lost his wallet, the dog went missing.
We spent some time in the police station,
And then it was time for home.
We left for home with dog and no wallet,
And got stuck in the traffic jam.
Once home indoors, we all went to bed.
A perfect ending for a day to remember.
Jim Carlin
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BRACES
Grandad’s braces
Red, white and blue.
Did look smart
When they were new,
He looked the part
Very patriotic.
British through and through.
Braces claim to fame,
Grandad wore them
Playing T.V. quiz games.
They held his trousers up,
He display his braces on T.V. show.
None of T.V. question he knew
The braces he threw, now in charity shop.
Bryan George Clarke
SOMETHING FISHY
I put the fish on a gleaming dish
It really was quite sparkling
Darling did it come out of the sea
It has such unusual marking
I think it came from the uni
Aunt Jane has a job up there
They do lots of things with technology
And call it modern biology
This fish it glows in the dark
It could light my way to the park
But I think it is meant to be dinner
Do you think it will make me slimmer?
Perhaps I won’t eat it today dear
I had a big lunch you know
And tomorrow I might feel braver
And the fish will then be my saviour
Barbara Tozer
DESTINATION
What’s the endgame?
Could it be worse than in a tale of two men
Who let down their friend,
Relying on them, and themselves?
To the railway station they went
To see him off but missed the train.
At the restaurant they waited for the next.
Too much alcohol intake intoxicated their brains.
This is how they had lost control of the situation.
Not to squander the last chance available,
The least drunk gave a chase after the leaving train.
Really his life he gambled but his mission was a success.
With a hearty and loud laughter he celebrated
Looking through the carriage window of the train
Heading in the opposite direction and bound to come back.
His reckless mates choked with laughter at his mistake.
There will be nothing to laugh about but regret
For EU nations, if intoxicated by deception,
They will take a train to the evil United States
Of Europe from which there’ll be no return.
Lucy Carrington
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